wanting to believe

Lately, for some reason, I have been feeling somewhat nostalgic for my past Mormon beliefs. For the certainty, the doctrinal structure, the quest to master gospel principles, to understand God's purposes for me and for this earth. It was so ingrained in me by years and years of study and thought that in spite of 4 years of being inactive it is still all there, waiting to pop up at a moment's notice. There is or was something about all of it that was very comforting to me; when I was feeling down about other things, I could always retreat into the security of my intellectual/spiritual world of doctrine.

One part of what I miss about the whole Mormon doctrinal structure is I think the sense of purpose and meaning that it gave to life. I was part of something big, something destined to change the world, something noble and outside of my petty personal interests. I confess that there is a part of me that is in love with the idea of the mass movement, of the big idea, of the great cause. I fear that, had I lived in a totalitarian state, I would have been an enthusiastic supporter, caught up in the idealism. On the other hand, I have always had a fear of living in a state like that, and have had recurring dreams about feeling trapped in such a world. So maybe I wouldn't be so evil as to be sucked in by a totalitarian ideal.

In any case, I realize that there a few problems with this idea of throwing oneself into a great cause, etc. For one, too often the great cause, the purity of vision of the ideal, ends up becoming so all-consuming and all-encompassing that it crushes all who stand its way, all who are too weak or too impure to carry it forward to its destiny. I remember Elder Bruce R McConkie's next-to-last General Conference talk called "The Caravan Moves On". I remember thrilling to the idea of being part of this great caravan that has set its back to the world and is facing straight on towards Zion, and is paying no heed to the snarling dogs snapping at our feet, etc. Now, when I think about it, I see another side of that metaphor...the caravan moves on all right, whether you're ready or not, and the mission seems to be more important than any of the potential messengers. It's lovely to keep the message pure, the mission glorious, but if you have to crush everyone or most everyone under the wheels in order to do it, I start to wonder about the real nobility of the supposed ideal/mission/whatever.

The other problem I see with the idea of throwing oneself into a great cause is that it often is a mask for a fear of real life. It's easy to run away from one's problems or from living in the mundane and boring here and now in order to pursue the great, noble cause. One can forget very easily about one's faults and never do anything to change them when one is consumed in the great cause. At the same time, it is very easy for one consumed in the great cause to trample over others in the name of the great cause...I mean, after all, I have a mission from God, and no one is going to stand in my way (I will go and do the thing that the Lord has commanded, even if it means slaying Laban, etc.) Or, I take my ideas about what needs to be done to achieve the great cause and proceed to force those ideas on everyone else, since obviously I am just following the inspiration I've received and I just have to get all those laggards to follow me, at least, or get out of the way. Again, the mission becomes more important than individuals (or maybe it's the ego of the missionary?)

Anyway, as I have said before, I think I am more comfortable now with the humility of doubt than I am with the old certainties.