Something that has always troubled me is the business of attraction. Both back when I was not out and was trying to date women, and after coming out, I have struggled with the problem of being attracted to people who are not attracted to me, and being attractive to people who don't attract me. It has happened so often, so consistently, with so few exceptions, that I have wondered at times whether something is fundamentally wrong with me that I am just clueless about.
Not wanting to believe that I am fundamentally flawed in this way, I have wondered if my problem is really that I don't really understand the role that attraction plays in finding a partner. From my observation of others, it seems to come really easily to many that they meet someone and develop a relationship. Are they "attracted" to each other in the sense I understand that term? On the other hand, am I simply putting too much stock in this concept of "attraction"? Is finding a partner really just a kind of a game of finding enough commonalities and being able to stand each other just enough or be attracted to each other just enough that you are willing to commit to be together?
And what makes one attractive to others? Why are certain types of people attracted to me and not others, specifically, but also, why are certain types of people attracted to certain individuals and not others?
Anyway, I'm curious to hear others' views on this question.
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I've stated this in other blogs before... for me, I'm attracted to guys that I know I can't have. If I really could have them then I think the attraction would dimension. It's because I know I can't have him that makes him that much more attractive. Because, in my case, it's safe!
Sorry, I meant "diminish"... you get the point.
I have sometimes wondered about that, too, Beck. I am rather risk averse in some parts of my life (in other parts, not risk averse at all!) and it may well be that I subconsciously feel attracted to those who are unreachable, thus sparing me having to get out of my safety zone to test a real relationship.
The problem with this idea, though, is that I have, in at least one major case, been attracted to someone who was attracted back, at least enough to sustain a relationship for a while (til she dumped me). And the relationship (for me anyway) was wonderful, fulfilling, etc. (although I didn't for one moment feel any sexual attraction to her, and when she started pushing me to kiss, I discovered that I got absolutely nothing from it). So I am reluctant to attribute it all to me subconsciously sabotaging myself.
Attraction is a fickle thing. Chemistry is elusive.
But I also think attraction can build over time. I was attracted more and more over the years of my marriage to KK because of our emotional connection and closeness.
Now that I am in a relationship with a man, I find that happening again, with even greater intensity. What began as an initial physical attraction has grown into an attraction that has an emotional and intellectual component too. That has come about over time as our chemistry has developed. My relationship could have fizzled after a few weeks, but it has instead blossomed over the course of a few months, but especially over the past couple of weeks as we have reached a new level of emotional intimacy.
But what do I know? I don't really have any answers. I think attraction can be overthought and it's best to let things evolve organically.
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