The beginning of my coming out was the beginning of the end of my belief in the historical claims of Mormonism.
I was a convert to the LDS church in my late teens. I had grown up in a mainline Protestant church which my family attended regularly until I was 12. My father was agnostic, my mother descended from a long line of religious people, with some ministers in the further reaches of the family tree. I had a strong sense of belief in God from a young age. I started to read the Bible at about 7 years of age. I remember my grandmother's funeral just before I turned 8, and having this feeling that she was in heaven that I relayed to my grieving mother.
When I entered puberty, I started searching for a church. Somewhere I got the idea that there had to be one true church, one church that was more correct, more consistent with the Bible, than any other. I approached the matter from an intellectual point of view, meaning, I more or less assessed different churches by how well they seemed to me to conform their teachings to my understanding of the Bible. I guess you could call me a Biblicist (I think that is the right term for it), to some extent a literalist (I was pretty anti-Darwin, etc.). Anyway, I had a few encounters with Mormonism over this period, but it was not until I was 16 and almost 17 that I finally decided to really study it seriously. I had a couple of good friends who were LDS and who lived their beliefs, which impressed me and I think helped to soften my heart towards the church. The other event was an attempt to read the Book of Mormon that was positive and where I felt "intelligence" or "light" when I read portions of it (where I had tried before and only felt an empty feeling about it).
To cut the chase, I eventually took the discussions over a period of a couple of days, committed to baptism, but then had to wait to meet my parents' requirements. I attended church before and after my baptism faithfully, even had an unofficial calling as branch pianist (it was a small branch of about 25 members where I joined). I was ordained an elder 5 months after baptism, just after I turned 18. At 19 and a half, I went on a mission, served for 18 months (what I was called to do, although I could have extended but my branch president at home was against it).
My mission solidified and greatly deepened my commitment and belief in Mormonism. I was pretty orthodox; I loved Bruce R McConkie, tried to read everything I could, etc. Anyway, I was trying hard to be a faithful Latter-day Saint.
But I was also struggling with this feeling of sexual attraction toward guys.
That attraction first appeared I guess in early puberty in dreams. At first, I dreamt of bisexual threesomes. But the woman quickly dropped out of the dreams, and it was then just about the guy. My father also had porn around when I was a kid and teen, and when I could I would look at it; I was never interested in the women, but looked at the spreads of couples and focused on the men. I became intrigued by letters written to these magazines about guys having sex with their buddies and how great it was. This just fascinated me.
Meantime, I was a pretty straight-laced, repressed type who was almost anti-sex. I had crushes on girls (and probably on guys though at the time I attributed it to wanting a close male friend) but I was horrified by the idea of having any kind of sexual thoughts towards women because it was wrong, blahblahblah. I thought I was SO righteous and noble.
Anyway, after joining the church, I continued with this struggle. I was shy, and rarely dated; indeed, I have really only had 2 girlfriends in my life, both fairly serious but one ended when I left for the mission field and she moved away, and the other when she dumped me. My self-esteem always struggled with my small stature (5'5" and thin and not muscular at all, much less athletic) and I found the women I was attracted to usually saw me as a great little brother and friend but never as a potential romantic interest. After I got my first full-time job at 25 that seemed to change, but by then the gay feelings were get a little more insistent and I felt guilty about them which affected my ability to be open to being attracted back to some of these women (although most of the time, they were not my type; too often they seemed needy and clingy and that scared me).
My first real struggle with the gay feelings came a few years later when I was an elders quorum president and I went and bought gay porn and ended up released from my calling and put on probation for a couple of months. It was horrible although the process of being humbled was not a bad thing. But the idea that this total abstinence for two months from the m word and porn was a pipe dream. I got a new job and moved, and the "problem" resurfaced.
For the next ten years, I struggled increasingly with these issues. Through nearly all of it, the only person who knew what I was going through was my bishop at the time. No one else knew. I had been counseled not to talk to others about it. The secrecy really didn't help me much, but I felt trapped and obligated to live up to my strong convictions about Mormonism. I was a perfectionist in many ways, so when I "fell" I was very hard on myself. Lots of negative self-talk.
Finally, three years ago, after lots of changes in my life and another move (I'll talk about that some other time), I was in a new city and ward. My new bishop called me in, evidently to give me a calling, but when I told him I was strugglling with using porn and the m word, he concluded that I needed to be put on informal probation, to be prohibited from holding any callings, from praying or speaking in church, no taking of the sacrament, etc. An informal probation that seemed to have most of the restrictions of a disfellowshipment. Anyway, I could take the sacrament again if I could go a month without masturbation.
A few weeks later, I was struggling with digestive problems (acid reflux) and was put on some medication, including a pain killer that I think probably was a mild depressant. My bishop had referred me to and LDS social services counselor, who I met with and who was completely focused on helping me stop masturbating and using porn, with no insight on my sexual attractions. A few weeks after seeing him and starting the medication, I was feeling worse, and then right around Christmas fell into an episode of depression.
Depression is a terrible thing. I really didn't know anything about it, but I sure learned lots over the next few weeks and months. I had no energy, my body felt weighted down by lead, I couldn't sleep, my mind would at times race with uncontrollable wild thoughts, I could not use the computer for more than a few minutes without becoming really agitated, I couldn't read, I had no interest in anything that usually interested me. I had no sex drive at all.
I got medical help, eventually started taking anti-depressants, saw a great counselor, and started walking lots every day. It was hard, but after two or three months my mood was more or less back to an even keel.
However, in the process of all of this, I confronted the reality that many Latter-day Saints, including bishops, are really ignorant about depression. The anti-science/anti-medicine bias of many really bothered me.
But I also had to confront some things about myself. I came out to my parents on Christmas day. They are not LDS, and I have a gay brother, so while they were surprised by my revelation, they were totally supportive. The greatest blessing of my depression may be the way it has drawn me closer to them; not that I wasn't close, but in a lot of ways they really saved my life through that very difficult time.
I confronted the fact that during the depression I did not feel the spirit at all. Nothing. I was used to having spiritual feelings on a regular basis. Now, nothing. I couldn't understand this. I had always thought that the spirit was independent ultimately from the body and that while the body's condition influenced the spirit, if we were trying to live right we could still feel the spirit. It was not as if I was living any more unrighteously than I had before, so why now no spirit?
While I came out to my parents, by that I mean I said that I was "struggling" with gay feelings. I didn't want them. I wanted desperately to be straight. I didn't like that my parents were so supportive of me being gay. I felt like I was becoming some kind of battleground in this great war between the pro- and anti-gay movements. And I didn't want to be anyone else's battleground. But I didn't want to be gay.
A turning point that started the wheels in my head turning was meeting with a psychiatrist who specializes in gender identity issues. He pointed some things out to me that I had never thought about before that really made me think. At the time I met him, and all through the appointment, I was determined that at worst I was bi. When he had taken my history, he straight out said "you're gay". I resisted and argued with him. But he pointed out to me that if I were really straight like I thought and this gay stuff was just some temptation or something, why was it I only ever had dreams about sex with men? And he pointed out that real straight men do actually have to control their sexual attractions and feelings--how can you "bridle your thoughts" if there is nothing to bridle? At the time, I was dismissive, but over the coming months these ideas began to take root.
I moved again, back to where I am now, the city of my birth. I intended to return to church but in the end did not because I feared that the double issues of depression and sexuality would turn me into a battlefield in my ward that I didn't want to be. I wanted space to work through things myself.
I finally got referred to a psychiatrist here. He has worked with me ever since. At first, and for a long time, I fought with him over my sexuality and my religion. I was inactive, but still believed. But, over time, his challenging me forced me to confront myself, my beliefs about myself and about Mormonism and life generally. I also started studying some more about Mormonism in areas where I knew there were problems but had tended to be dismissive in the past, and I learned things that I had not known that put my faith in the church's claims in a different light. I also realized that my belief system rested on a lot of untested assumptions that, when challenged, were not so sturdy a foundation for my faith. I became more tentative about my beliefs, and eventually came to the conclusion that I could not believe in Mormonism's truth claims any more.
Eventually, I went to a coming out group and tried dating a few different guys. Some positive experiences, but in the end, no relationships developed, and I remained the 40plus year old virgin I have become. (Not that being virgin is all bad...in some ways, it makes me feel powerful).
Anyway, that is my basic story. With time, I will discuss certain aspects in more detail.
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8 comments:
Mark,
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story. There is much I can relate to. I was a late-teen convert to Mormonism as well, and the collapse of my Mormon faith was tied up in the process of coming out to myself and those closest to me.
In my experience, gay Mormons are often the most faithful and diligent Mormons. I think of myself and my boyfriend, as well as the many other gay former Mormons I know, but also the still faithful gay Mormons who are trying to make marriages work or stay connected to the church in an attempt to sustain and nurture their faith and testimonies. For me, the saddest part of the gay Mormon dilemma is the loss of community for gay Mormon who leaves and the corresponding loss of talent for the Church.
Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your story. As I wrote on your first post, I am really glad that you are blogging.
This post stirs up a number of different emotions in me. I'll admit that I feel sad that you left the church and I want to sort of explain away some of the past experiences and issues you brought up (I admit it, I'm just unable not to be an ardent mormon!)
But past that, I'm a little angry at the psychiatrists who it seems to me tried to convince you to see things their way rather than conducting counseling in a value-neutral fashion (as is standard of care). This makes me angry at the entire medical establishment because I've experienced it first hand at professional meetings, in my medical training, and as a patient. When we're talking about abortion, let's not judge the patient, they say. But when we're talking about a patient who believes being gay is wrong (referring to myself now), let's show him the error of his ways. Hey, while we're at it, lets call his religiously based belief that his homosexuality is undesirable a sexual paraphilia. Then he can have a diagnosis to feel bad about until he sees things our way and is cured.
On the other hand, your story warms my heart. You're such a nice guy and I'm so happy that you have escaped from depression and that you still have the "power" of being a virgin. May your power be eliminated some day in the arms of your true love! ;-)
Thanks, Chris and L, for your comments.
First, Chris, it is really nice to know that I am not alone in this convert-to-Mormonism-eventually-comes-out-and-then-leaves-church category. I, too, sometimes wish that there was a place for gay men and lesbians in the church that allowed us to contribute without having to either hide our struggles or destroy an essential part of ourselves. And I certainly miss the community that the church provided me. I hate to say that I have increasingly taken steps to push my Mormon friends away from me. I am not out to any of them (save one or two) and frankly don't want to have to go through the agony that coming out to them will mean (if only having them react by trying to put me into conversion therapy or whatever), at least I am not ready for it at this point. I love these people, and they have been a big part of my life (as was the church) but there is this elephant in the room that I can no longer pretend isn't there and I guess I'm too much of a coward to deal with it head on, so I left the room, so to speak.
L, I really appreciate your comments, particularly the part about me being a nice guy ;) Seriously, I understand your feelings about the non-value-neutral stance taken by the psychiatrists I have worked with. I didn't like it much either...to be blunt, I fought it every step of the way. There was not much that they said that I was not fighting back with alternative viewpoints, etc. However, as much as I resented it, in the end, I was grateful. The confrontation force me to work through the issues in my head and heart. It took a long time, probably more than a year, to really process everything, and that was with meetings with my psychiatrist every other week.
I do feel a lot better about myself now. However, I still have a lot of work to do on myself to be totally clear of depression. I still carry some self-hate, mostly to do with my being too hung up on being short, not attractive enough, etc. Years of negative self-talk doesn't disappear over night. But I have learned to be more patient and to not be so perfectionistic as was my wont in too many aspects of my life, leading to yet more self-hate.
I also have some regrets about lost time. I don't know if you have experienced that, Chris, but I know for me that being in my early 40s yet being essentially about 15 years of age in terms of dealing with my sexual development is tough and I sometimes resent that I can't be that young twink that I would have been and go through, well, maybe not a "gay adolescence" (I don't that would ever have been me) but at least the chance to learn about dating and love with guys at the same place as me and the same age as me. Instead, I have what I have. I should just get over it, I know, but it still kinda sucks.
Anyway, I sometimes wonder if I will ever get beyond being a virgin...I can't say I have a huge amount of hope that I will succeed in finding the right guy. But I am not ready to give up yet...and I do believe I have lots to give to the right guy (in fact, sometimes I like to think I'm even a catch! haha)...so I will keep trying to get out of my comfort zone to meet new guys and find someone who is as attracted to me as I am to him.
L:
If a patient sought psychological counseling because he was terribly depressed and was unable to accept, for "moral reasons," the fact that he was left handed and had hazel eyes, wouldn't the clinically responsible thing be to encourage the patient to accept these parts of himself as natural and normal?
Fully cognizant of the history of and the ongoing debate around homosexualty in the psychologicaly/psychiatric community, I still have to believe that most therapists have sound clinical and scientific reasons for concluding that homosexuality is not abberant and that the best way to help a homosexual patient is to encourage him on a path of self acceptance. That a Jehovah's Witness might object to a blood transfusion on religious grounds doesn't make it the wrong treatment for the patient in need of one.
Mark:
I came out in a very public way partly because I didn't want to just slide away from my LDS friends and let them hear about the break-up of my marriage through the grapevine. Some of those relationships have been strained, but others have proven to be remarkably resilient. You have to address those issues in a way that is comfortable to you, but you might find it to be less traumatic than you imagine.
As for lost time, I can totally relate. Now that I have dated some and have my first boyfriend, I find myself fighting resentment that I never gave myself the freedom to do this at a younger stage in life. I think I've aged well, but the gay social scene can seem so young sometimes and it's hard to fit in. I also sometimes have been tempted to exercise my new found freedom in less than responsible ways. I think that's part of being a teenager in my sexual development. It helps to remind myself that such behavior and feelings are very common among gay men, particularly for those who come out somewhat later in life.
Mark, I'm so sorry to get all cranky on your blog (and on Thanksgiving weekend!), but I have to say, Chris, that you are just plain wrong. A Jehovah's Witness SHOULD NOT get a blood transfusion. It absolutely IS the wrong treatment for a Jehovah's Witness, because when we as professionals seek to impose our values on our patients it takes away from their individuality, their rights to autonomy, to happiness, to independence, to freedom... it takes from them their humanity. And extending life is irrelevant once that has been wrested away from them.
Your analogy to hazel eyes is a poor one for obvious reasons that I wont belabor. But seeking to impose on a patient my own values in the name of fostering an appropriate goal like "self acceptance" is completely unprofessional and, to my best knowledge, outside the standard of care and therefore probably malpractice. I'm glad Mark is happy with the way things turned out, but that in no way excuses the poor methodology. A patient can find self acceptance whilst retaining a moral viewpoint that you (and perhaps they) are fond of oversimplifying and vilifying.
L, I didn't say that the JW should have the blood transfusion, just that the patient's moral objection doesn't make it the wrong course of treatment. Ditto gay people who have moral objections to being gay.
Eh, L, you're probably right. I'm pretty skeptical of organized religion these days, clearly. In many respects I feel duped by religion in general and Mormonism in particular.
So, nevermind.
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