feeling "different"

Ever since I can remember, well, at least since I entered elementary school, I have felt "different". I was always very self-conscious about being shorter than the other boys, and also aware that I was not as "physical" as them. There was a two year period when I had a couple of best buddies in the fourth and fifth grades where I felt like I fit in with the other guys. But that ended when we were switched to a new school.

I also didn't fit in because I was not antagonistic towards girls. I had a little girlfriend in the first through third grade. I never went through the girls are icky phase. I had crushes on girls into my teens and early twenties. But when I hit puberty, I didn't have the sexual attraction towards girls that other guys had...the idea of sex with a woman just seemed bad and wrong to me. But I did develop a sexual attraction towards guys.

I also tended toward being non-violent. I grew up fighting a lot with my younger brothers (an ever-shifting alliance of 2 against 1) and my father had a temper, so I developed (or maybe always had and just had it reinforced) a dislike of fighting and being rough. At 12 or so I finally said to my brothers that I would not fight any more. I never got into fights at school. I'm sure I was seen as a wimp, definitely I was seen as a total square. And when I was 6 or 7 I made a semi-conscious decision that I was going to try to live like Jesus and not hate anyone and try to love everyone.

At the same time, I was a smart kid, usually ahead of the rest of the class, and I had strong opinions and was increasingly unafraid to express my views. I made my life miserable for a while when in the sixth grade as class rep I told off the entire class when they didn't pay attention to me when I was trying to give them a report about a student council meeting. In my late teens, a friend told me that I was too forceful with my opinions and that I should tone down; I took that to heart, and for a long while probably went too much the other way of biting my tongue and just trying to listen to others' views without expressing my own views.

In my teens I became a bit of a loner for a couple of years, with no really close friends. That close male-bonding that many guys experience with their buddies was something I never really experienced but always craved.

Finally, throw into this mix the fact that from a young age I had a strong sense of the presence of God in my life. I have had a few brushes with death...I nearly died shortly after birth when I contracted meningitis; nearly drowned when I fell through the ice when I was 5 or 6; totalled a car when I was 19...and these have made me reflect on how lucky I am to be alive and have tended to encourage the idea in my head that I am on earth for a purpose or that I have a mission in life that I must perform. I started reading the Bible at about 7 or 8; started investigating different churches at about 13; finally investigated and joined the LDS church at 17.

All of this made me feel different. Joining the LDS church gave me the first sense of not being so different inasmuch as I finally had found a community with people who shared many of my values and goals. However, the longer I stayed in the church, particularly during my mission and after, the feeling of difference again arose. I still felt some community, but I came to realize that even in the Mormon communities of which I was a part I didn't entirely fit in well. I was more intellectual than average, less sports-obsessed, less macho than many of the other men. And since I didn't get married and have children, I was increasingly isolated and felt more and more like I was either a reject or a service project of others.

One of the things most difficult for me about all of this was that I have always felt a disconnect between how I perceive myself being perceived by others, and how I have perceived myself. I have often felt misunderstood and came after a time to realize that how people looked at me and what they said about me often was more a reflection on them than it was on me. If I lived in a ward where everyone was business-oriented and sports-oriented, I was viewed as being intellectual and somewhat impractical; in a ward where many were teachers and academics, I was seen as being more practical and not exceptionally intelligent. To some, I was too outspoken and intimidating; to others, too quiet and passive. While this came to be a bit amusing in one way, in another way it was kind of frustrating.

On the other hand, I have had a few experiences where I have felt a kind of transcendent love and sense of belonging that has made me feel whole or complete for a short time. I felt that with a couple of my missionary companions, one in particular who I confess I was nervous about being assigned to serve with but who turned out to be the most amazing guy, totally accepting of me as I am, and so much fun to be with. I remember a night in my first year of undergrad while walking back to my dorm room from watching a movie with my best friend and looking at the stars and feeling a tangible sense of God's love for me.

Coming out certainly hasn't solved this longing to belong. In some ways, I feel almost more alone now than before. It might be different if I lived in the wetsern US where there are concentrations of gay Mormon guys, where I could find someone who really understands where I am coming from in terms of values and spirituality and experience. But that is not where I am, nor should I discount where I am nor restrict myself to a very narrow subset of guys or people. And, honestly, I assume this whole "longing to belong" business is a major theme of human life; it's just that many solve that problem in ways that I have never been able to accept. The "longing to belong", to overcome the feeling of difference, has always to battle in me the need to be independent, to be true to myself and what I value. And the latter have always trumped the former, and continue to do so.