nurture or nature or does it matter?

I have been reading some posts by Scot recently about the nature vs. nurture debate and have wanted to make some comments about it based on my own self-analysis. I decided that rather than fill up pages on his blog, I'd do it on my own.

In some ways, I have wondered whether my background might tend to prove the nurture hypothesis. My mother was domineering and my father distant, but I would say that there was a dynamic there that I reacted to in a particular way. I idolized my mother, saw as her the example of self-sacrifice and virtue, generally speaking. My father, on the other hand, I saw as being selfish, prone to fits of anger, and very demanding, especially once I hit my teens. He also kept straight porn around, and I apparently was exposed to it pretty young (at latest about the age of 4 or 5). He also tended to be a flirt with other women. Anyway, I think that in some ways I reacted to him by deciding that I was going to be the opposite. So I decided at about 6 or 7 that I would never hate anyone, and later that I would never look at women in a sexual way or treat them like objects, etc.

I also fit the stereotype of being useless at sports, poor coordination, preferred books and music, never hated girls, etc. On the other hand, I was (and still am I suppose) very competitive, at least in things where I could compete. Where I felt I couldn't compete (like most sports) I had no interest.

So did all of this make me gay? Well, on the other hand, I am the oldest of four boys. I have one gay brother, who is the 2nd oldest...the 2 youner ones are straight. So I had no older brother fixation. My parents never divorced, and in fact they have changed a lot over the years and have a stronger marriage now than they did when I was growing up. They have been married 46 years! And in my extended family the odds have actually heavily favoured marriage faithfulness, totally against the societal averages (and none of them are particularly religious!)

And why did my brother and I end up gay but not the younger ones? The third oldest/2nd youngest was a rough and tumble kid, not quite as good in school, but athletic, very social and popular, etc. The youngest was less rough and tumble but certainly has been physical enough...he is a rock climber after all.

The fact is, I think my gay brother and I were always "different", going back to a very very early age. In other words, I think that some of our dispositions tend to be set biologically, whether through genetics or through hormonal influences in the womb. These dispositions may react to environmental factors once exposed to them. So maybe in a different environment than the one I grew up in I would have turned out straight. But maybe not.

The other thing I find interesting or frustrating (depending on how I feel about it on a given day) about my background is that I have had serious crushes on women over the years, have gone through the whole limerence thing. So why am I not straight, or at least bi? I mean, why did I have those feelings if I wasn't at least bi? But the truth is, I never felt sexual attraction towards women, but I sure did towards guys once puberty hit. And I think I did have that limerence thing towards some guys too, it's just that at the time I thought it was just wanting to have a best buddy type friend of the sort I had not had as a kid. I know for sure that at age 17 I did meet a guy who I was totally attracted to, and had he asked me to sleep with him, I think I probably would have...he was so beautiful...tall, slim but muscular, smart, blond. But I barely acknowledged within myself such feelings...they were to be brushed aside and/or suppressed vigorously.

And those feelings towards women were usually rejected. In the last few years, I have started to wonder if maybe these women I showed interest in sensed somehow that I was not really available. I don't know. Maybe I really was just too unattractive.

Anyway, ultimately, whether "gayness" comes from nature or nurture to me ought not to be an issue...ultimately, I am not persuaded that it is changeable, at least I don't see much evidence of it, and lots against it. And in any case I think that, in the end, all human beings of equal worth and dignity, whatever their sexual orientation, colour, race, religion, social status, or what have you. All of us have the right to be happy, and to love, and no one should be denied those rights.