One of the things that I miss about being an active Latter-day Saint is getting to be around a lot of really nice guys (well, guys and gals, but right now I'm focused on the guys). Not every guy, of course, but I met over the years, and particularly as a full-time missionary, a lot of guys who were "nice" by my standards. By "nice" I mean, they weren't totally stuck up on themselves, didn't they were God's gift to humanity, were not just muscleheads or jocks (though they could be that too) but had intellectual interests, had an interest in their spiritual lives, could express feelings and emotions other than rage or bravado, could be musical and artistic, and so forth. I have met even a few guys I would call true "Renaissance men", who were so well-rounded it was amazing.
I found myself often feeling attracted to these kinds of guys. They were often quite idealistic, wanted to give back to the world, etc. They inspired me by their qualities; I loved to be around them.
I realize that Mormons have no monopoly on virtue, and that there are many "nice" guys outside of the LDS church. I also realize that Mormons have lots of problems, that there are lots of dysfunctional families and there is a lot of manipulation and abuse, "unrighteous dominion" in too many relationships within the LDS church, both institutionally speaking and at the family level.
But, still, I miss being around those kind of guys, because I have yet to really find quite the same concentration of them outside of Mormonism. It's why I have become an avid reader of gay Mormon guys' blogs...you guys are those "nice" guys I like to be around. You inspire me and give me a hope that in due course I will be able to build a relationship with that kind of guy.
All of that said, I realize that my real problem may be that I am still clinging to a lot of the judgmentalism of my Mormon years, whether consciously or unconsciously. I need to work on that, but it doesn't mean that just because something was associated with Mormonism I want to toss it overboard. I think good things, true ideas, etc. stand on their own and have merit whatever their source. I want to keep the good I gained from Mormonism while jettisoning the not good. Still, it leaves me wondering whether I am closing myself too much to the good that I could find in the non-Mormon world.
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When I started dating men, I thought I'd avoid the Mormon ones. Too much baggage, I figured. I was wrong. It has been so wonderful to find a man who shares and understands my Mormon background and values but who is also, like me, in the post-Mormon phase of his life.
Don't limit yourself, Mark. But if you can find a nice Mormon man, well...it's great!
When I’m asked to do any matchmaking, if the gay man is looking for a monogamous relationship and looking to eventually build a family, I reflexively think of the gay Mormons I know (ex-Mormons by religion but Mormons by culture). The culture does tend to promote some good traits. I’ve been hanging onto a post for a while regarding a similar concept, as I know, though I left the LDS church earlier than most, I’m more than happy with my Mormon guy :-).
As far as working on what to keep and what to ditch, I’ve a similar problem. Some days I feel like I’m channeling the most judgmental and combative of my religious teachers and have to catch myself.
Thanks for your comments. Living where I do, as I have said, makes finding gay Mormon guys kind of difficult. But the Internet does help to reduce distances, and as I get more settled in my career and my income rises, travel becomes more and more possible. But I need to get out of my comfort zone too and try to meet more guys here.
Finding the good, stable, reliable and responsible men is a challenge whether you're LDS or not! But if you don't "put yourself out there" you definitely won't find him.
Toronto has a huge gay community. I haven't lived there since 1991, but there are plenty of support groups and activities you can join (other than going to bars or clubs) to meet other guys. Of course, having said that, I must confess that I now live in L.A., which has the 2nd or 3rd largest gay community in North America, and I've only dated one guy for more than a couple of months in 7 years. I've been wondering about moving away from here, but weather/career/house make me reluctant to do that...yet.
Keep looking, and hold on to what you believe in most!
Toronto is about a 4 hour drive away for me...I have thought at times about finding a job there and moving to have access to its significant gay community, but the cost of housing makes me hesitant to move. Montreal, another gay mecca, is 2 hours away, just close enough to go for fun but not so close that you can dive into its life.
But I do need to put myself more. I battle with my shyness and tendency to introversion, but I have my moments of daring. I have got a couple of profiles (with pictures!) floating around; the one has had a few bites, even a few dates, but nothing more significant; the other profile has been a total waste of time since I have never had a single response to it. But I know that putting myself out more means more than an online profile.
My parents (and one sister and two nephews) live in Kingston. I was raised in Montreal, so I know it fairly well.
I think that many people feel like if they have an online dating profile posted then they're "doing something" about their personal/dating life. I've decided that that really doesn't count - nothing replaces real-life interaction - and taken down all my online profiles as a result.
Barry, you are probably right.
Also, I wonder if we know each other, or at least that six degree of separation of thing, because I have lived in Montreal, and Kingston, and the Toronto area at different points. Are any of your family LDS?
My father was a minister in the United Church of Canada while I was growing up. No one in my family (or extended family) is LDS. (I've made friends here in California who are, though.) We may well have crossed paths at some point!
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